The Men’s Non-MovementThe Women’s Liberation Movement burst into our living-rooms some thirty years ago with a strident, demanding, angry, divisive and separatist energy. And that’s as it should be for it was about women reclaiming their masculine (yang) energy. While it is recognised that the public persona of the Movement was probably the tip of the iceberg, with most women just asserting themselves in a quiet (and often unsupported) way, it came across as a Women’s Movement with masculine energy. Ask people today about the Men’s Movement and most don’t know it exists. Of those who do, few have any idea of what it’s really about. That, too, is as it should be for it’s about men reclaiming their feminine (yin) sides and it is more about the inside things - feelings, acceptance of themselves and being able to communicate better on an emotional level. The Women’s Movement was more about the outside things - recognition and acceptance from others. The Women’s Movement was just that - a desire to move physically from one place of work or being to another. The men’s one is really a Non-Movement - it’s about standing still (perhaps, for a change) and learning to love and accept the wholeness, the fullness, within. Because it’s about inside things, it asks nothing of anyone else. We have a Ministry of Women’s Affairs, a Ministry of Maori Affairs, a Ministry of Foreign Affairs and a Ministry of Youth Affairs. So where does a thirty plus, paler, New Zealand male go to for his Affairs? It is this group, unrecognised by authorities, that generally makes up the Men’s Non-Movement, although it is starting to be joined by many not born in this country. There will never be a Ministry of Men’s Affairs if the Men’s Non-Movement has its way, for the recognition and acceptance that comes from within is all that is needed, as the women in the submerged part of their “iceberg” probably found. Because of that, the changes seen on the outside of men are very subtle, while the women burned their bras, dressed in men’s clothing (stark black and white suits, sometimes with a tie) and acted more assertively. It is interesting to note that while a woman in men’s clothes is now accepted, a man is ousted from the Police Force (male organisation) for wearing women’s clothes. However, the men say nothing about this for the power they feel within comes about from acceptance and a certainty about the “quiet way”, rather than a demanding of some wrong to be righted. As Steve Biddulph says in Manhood, “Men are hurting. They are also hurting others”. And he later says, “Women’s enemies were largely in the world around them. Men’s enemies are often inside - in the walls we put up around our own hearts. The inner changes will have to come before we can heal the world. Coming out from behind these walls (slowly, carefully) will mean that men can change and grow - to our own benefit and to the benefit of women and children”. The answers, we see, can only come from within and when that never-ending process is underway, the “answers” will come for the rest of society. Steve lists some Australian facts:
New Zealand has the world’s highest rate of male teenage suicide and the unemployment, crime and prison statistics are similar. Because of the low-key and unstructured nature of this Non-Movement, the numbers involved are unknown. However, as an indicator, Chris Angus, who has run the Tauranga Living without Violence programme for the last ten years, says he is approached by about 250 men per year, of which 70% actually do the programme. He runs six programmes per week, fifty one weeks a year, and similar programmes are run in most New Zealand towns and cities. Rex McCann (one of New Zealand’s leading facilitators of men’s workshops) has run 45 of his Essentially Men courses around the country, since 1990. Along with several other courses, he has touched and enriched the lives of between three and four thousand men. The Essentially Men course is a weekend workshop to take men through the gateway of knowing and loving themselves in a very powerful and gentle way. This is followed by smaller groups then meeting (usually) two weekly to support and encourage the positive changes. When I attended the Essentially Men workshop I was surprised at the incredibly strong feelings of abandonment, abuse and even hatred expressed, by some, towards their parents, especially fathers. I was glad I was not the pillows and mattresses that took the force of those expressed emotions but, at the end of it, all those men wanted to do was to hug their fathers or mothers and to say they loved them. This, to me, is the essence of this Non-Movement - the negativity felt inside is faced squarely and dealt with, with no-one else being blamed or hurt. Out of this comes the aspiration to communicate more positively and effectively with others. Self-responsibility is paramount. The answer, we know, can come from no-one but ourselves. To quote Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God, “if we don’t go within, we go without”. And so the way of the Men’s Non-Movement is the quiet way, the gentle way, the way of self-responsibility – the way of real strength. 
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Girls Can Do Anything … AlmostWhen a man and a woman come together in wholeness, it is the most beautiful and rare of things. When each person is whole within themselves - contented, fulfilled, self-realised and need-less (though not desire-less) - and there is complete love and acceptance for the other, as they are, the world sees the glow and is more joyful. However, very few of us have that wholeness - most of us have some emotional wound(s) or scar(s), yet to be healed. And, as like attracts like, so we attract partners with similar wounds. Caroline Myss calls this “woundology” and if, say, a woman has not been able to resolve (within) the abuse she had from her father, she will most likely attract an abusive partner. And if a man has been “trained” to hide his feelings (“Big boys don’t cry”) he could easily attract a partner who will not allow him to express himself. Or, the same man may attract a partner who needs and demands of him that he express his feelings, thereby ripping the plaster from an unhealed wound, a wound he is ashamed of but knows not how to heal. And we know not the pain we cause when we’re being helpful, sometimes, especially when the other person cannot talk of that pain. No one can heal the pain of another and no one has the responsibility for another’s pain. We can be there, we can support, we can listen but we cannot resolve - that has to come from the bearer of the pain. And, until that pain is healed, situations and people will come in to remind, to exacerbate, to expose, to challenge, to annoy - until something is done by the bearer to attempt a healing. When the honest intention of self-healing is there, then the universe sends in the listeners, the friends, the allowers. But not until the intention is there. It is very natural for a person to look to others for help. And our motherly and fatherly instincts naturally incline us to want to help, to salve another’s wounds. But if the bearer of the pain expects the healing to come from outside of hirself[1], it will remain and gnaw forever. And so, it is easy for opposite sexes to shame each other, to expose the wounds of the other, for that is what is meant to be. If a mother has shamed her son by demanding that he express his emotions, he will close down more and will invariably attract a partner who demands the same, until he heals his own “mother wound”. Although his partner is giving him a gift (to see what healing he needs to do) he may, instead, retaliate and expose a wound of his partner with sulking or abuse. This is woundology. It is not important who starts the cycle - that the cycle continues and accelerates is the true sadness. The universe often provides a partner or other woman (friend, counsellor etc.) to point out the man’s wound, but it can seldom be healed in the presence of a woman. One woman cannot repair the damage done by another. For most men, powerlessness usually envelops him when trying to deal with emotions in front of a woman, for he knows how clever she is at expression while he is a complete dumbo. A person hears what they hear and if a man has had 30 or so years of hearing (from mothers, teachers, writers, television, partners) he is not good at expression, that is what he knows of himself. He is good with a hammer, but when it comes to emotional stuff, that’s what women are good at. He’s not. It is a biological fact that women are better at combining feelings with expression - they often master it at 14, while many men are still struggling with it past 40 years. Add to that biological difference with a mixture of “boys don’t cry” stuff, along with a constant feeling of being inadequate and the whole realm of feelings becomes so overwhelming the man doesn’t know where to start. Easier to leave well alone. Many women complain that their men do not show their feelings but the sad fact is that, for many men, when they look down (inside) there is nothing there. They are hiding nothing for there is nothing to hide. They simply do not know what their feelings are for they have been buried so deep, they are unreachable. So deep they don’t know they’re there. Therefore, for many men, the only safe way to start this process is with other men - with others who will not bring up the risk of shaming, who will not finish their sentences, who will not bring back all those past inadequacies. It doesn’t matter how understanding and patient a woman is, she still has a woman’s body and, especially for vulnerable men, that is a formidable reminder of pains from other women. It doesn’t matter how understanding and loving I am, I (as a man) am probably not going to be much comfort to a girl who has just been raped. I have a man’s body and that reminds her too much of her pain from a man. It is very difficult today, for there are many women without partners, bringing up boys. These women do their best. They really try hard, but there are some things a mother (or any other woman) cannot give her young man. Robert Moore (from Chicago) says to men: “Have you admired a younger man in the past week? Have you been admired by an older man in the past week? If you are a young man and you are not being admired by an older man, you are being hurt.” Strong words. Robert Bly talks of the five-stage process of becoming a man - bonding with your mother, separation from your mother, bonding with your father, separation from your father, the appearance of the “male mother” or mentor. We do not do the separation from our mothers very well and nor do we bond with our fathers well. Often there is no father to bond with - he is either separated from our mother or he is always away (physically and mentally) for his work. Often the short-cut is taken, which is to shame our father and this is seen in the numerous sitcoms on television where the man is the idiot, while the woman is sensitive and intelligent - the writers are trying to short-cut their growth to manhood, as are those enjoying the shaming of men. So what are the mothers to do? As hard as they try, they can only give the boys mothering and perhaps look for a male to admire and take some interest in the young man - a mentor. This mentor does not have to have a daily or weekly commitment to the boy, but someone the boy knows holds him in his heart is vital. Beyond that, monthly contact may be all that’s needed. This mentor is not so easy to find as most grandfathers live somewhere else. Most boys do not have this “male mother” around, someone who is interested in their soul, a man to hold them in their heart, to listen and to guide. The result is so often that the boys carry out their own initiation by driving fast cars, stealing and damaging property. They get the attention of the police and this attention of these older men is better than nothing. This male attention is something a mother cannot give, something a girlfriend or wife cannot give. That there are so many older men sitting in rest-homes and retirement villages, feeling redundant and worthless, is a great shame. Their wisdom, experience, patience, non-attachment and so many other things are part of the soul of our community that is being wasted. We talk a lot about our youth being our future, but without the wisdom of the elders, I wonder what our future will be. The older men have the time to give and the youth are seeking it (in their unique way) and I wonder why we cannot get them together. All my life I have looked and asked for an older man to be there to talk to, to listen to, to be with and to absorb from. I still look for that old man. I have heard sixty year old men say they would still like an older man to hold them in their heart, as they would like to do for men younger than them. So, old man, you are important and wanted and a young man is any man younger than you. I use the word “old” without shame for you have so much to give. I, therefore, put out a call: If there are any older men who would like to be there for the younger ones, please step forward and let me know. Also, if there are any younger men (or mothers) looking for a mentor, also come forward and write. Let’s see the circle of life complete itself and us all become more whole.
The Science of Buyology
Thousands of years later - or maybe it was tens of thousands of years later; history is not my strong suit - life hadn't really changed. Men went out to work and, when they got home, they mowed the lawns, cleaned the car and played golf. Meanwhile their women stayed indoors, cooked, cleaned and played ladies. Men stayed out and women stayed in. All very respectable, simple and predictable. And they were all happier, going by their lower crime statistics. Then, in 1893, New Zealand was the first country to give women the vote and all hell broke loose. From that moment, nothing was certain. We're not blaming anyone here - not New Zealanders, not women, not politicians - it was just a certain turning point and we've never looked back. [1 GOLF stands for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden] Then sex popped up. People started doing it before they got married. Then people of the same sex started doing it. Then people had babies before they were married. Then same-sex people started having children - proving that the impossible is possible. Then people really got up themselves, got married and decided NOT to have children - what an affront to church and country! By now, then, everybody can be anybody and they can change that at will. Nothing is certain and, instead of meeting someone and asking them what job they do, we now ask them what gender role they're playing this year. And we daren't remember what they told us because we'll embarrass ourselves next time, assuming they're still the same ... which they probably won't be. Well, now there's oniomania! Argh! I even had trouble spelling it, let alone saying it. So, what is oniomania? It's shopaholism, the uncontrollable urge to buy stuff, and up to 10% of women worldwide have it. Psychiatrists tell us it's driven by the same kind of motivation that fuels alcoholism or drug use ... and psychiatrists would know because they're scientists and wear white coats. They tell us a woman feels bad - anxious, lonely, worthless, angry or lacking love. So she goes out and buys things - not only to give herself love, but also to prove to the world that she's 'worth it'. Psychiatrists haven't studied men (nowhere near as interesting as women) but I'm sure men have this oniomania too. I mean, just how many drills, golf clubs and pairs of driving gloves do you really need, huh? And if men don't have it their wives probably do so we have it vicariously. So, is there a cure for this oniomania? Yep, a team of Stanford researchers have found that the antidepressant Celexa might help obsessed shoppers overcome their compulsion. Yes, you guessed it - you get over your shopaholism by shopping for chemicals! A viscious cycle, really. OK, I'll spell it out: Men, get out of the kitchen, out of your frocks, cut your hair and get back into men's work - earn money for your lady at home. And women, well, get out of work clothes, stop fixing the mower, hand over your $100,000-year salary to a man and get back in the kitchen and make life more simple and predictable. If history is any guide, we'll all be much happier (watch the crime figures plummet) and we won't need to shop at all as we'll all be so deliriously happy with our now-certain gender role. I don't know why someone else hadn't thought of this before - so simple, really!
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Our Neolithic Roots Many women will proudly tell you how tough they are, how they can bear pain better than men. They will tell you how, when they get a headache or stomach ache, they’ll take an aspirin and carry on, while their men crash into bed for three days and act as if the world’s coming to an end. However, if a man gets punched on the arm there’s little reaction while a woman’s bruise may last for weeks. And there are men who continue playing sport with a broken nose or rib, and simply shrug it off. Yes, women have a higher threshold for inner pain while men have a higher tolerance for outer pain, as befits our Neolithic upbringing. After spending months preparing their weapons, the men would practise with their spears and slingshots, to be ready for the annual mammoth hunt. These practises invariably turned into competitions and this pushed the men to greater strength and accuracy. The hunting was a very physical and, often, painful activity and so the elders of the cave would create body-contact games to toughen up the young men. While the men developed their outer strength and hardness, the women bore children - with all the inner changes and pains that that meant. Also, when food was short, the men were fed first, for their strength was needed to gather the sparse food. Children were next to be fed and the women last. So women developed inner strength to deal with child bearing, child-birth, menstruation and hunger. While the men were “out there’, competing and hunting, the women were “in there”, preparing and nurturing. Though the men worked together during the hunt, they had to compete in their preparation, for it to be successful. For the women’s work to be successful, they had to work together, making clothes, food and children. The women’s world was, of necessity, cooperative all the time while the men both competed and cooperated. And, though men don’t hunt mammoth any more, we still compete with each other in endurance, speed, throwing things, accuracy and in body-contact sports. We’ve forgotten why we do these things but there’s still a primordial urge to do them. We think we’re modern and New Age, but we’re just Neanderthals who have gained more toys and modes of expression and who have lost our reason for being and doing. And, in these competitions on the sports field and the boardroom, we must cooperate as well, to survive. This switching between competition to cooperation can be confusing and many have not fully learned when each is appropriate. When the mammoth is charging, you know exactly what to do, but when the goal is some illusive approval from a fickle and changing audience or boss, the action needed is not quite so clear. We couldn’t afford to make mistakes in front of the mammoth and so there was rigorous training and initiation for the young men – today there is none of that and the learning has to be by trial and error. The cost of mistakes today isn’t measured in individual lives, at the feet of the mammoth, but can be counted in terms of unemployment, family breakdowns, depression, injuries, diseases and a whole host of emotional, financial and physical costs. The mistakes, today, affect many more people and there must be a better way to learn. We really haven’t advances much at all. For example, of the tens of thousands of edible plants on our planet, only about 20 are eaten in quantity. Of these, wheat, corn and rice account for half our food intake. Why? These were the foods grown by our Neolithic ancestors, 10,000 years ago. The animals we raise for food are not eaten because they are especially nutritious or delectable, but because they were the ones first domesticated in the Stone Age. Our adventurousness has only been about the peripheral things – never about the basics. The memory of the cave, igloo, tepee, sod house and the village is with us all and, while our outer trappings have changed, the inner “us” hasn’t. The wonderful thing about our eternal memories is that we haven’t forgotten the spirit and activities of the clan, tribe and village. We still retain the knowing of the mentorship, cooperation, respect for and listening to the wise people, initiations into various stages and skill in life, joys of community and burdens of playing our part. Because these memories are so vivid, we can return to those times at will, and that’s what we’re doing in this “New Age”. The New Age is not about the peripheral (and sometimes misleading and irrelevant) things like crystals, tarot cards, channelings, healings and so on. The New Age is about returning home to who we truly are. It’s about reconnecting with our roots, our deep wisdom, the Earth and our fellow humans. In the ebb and flow of the universal breath, we’ve been exhaling, looking out and being enticed by the clever devices we’ve reinvented. Now it’s time to breathe in, to look at our real and deep needs, to recreate the village or tribe, to decide which technologies serve us well and which don’t. Crystals, tarot cards, channelings, healings and so on may help us along the path but they are not The Path. The Path is us and this “us” has never changed – we’ve just forgotten some of it. Whether you wear bear-skins or business suits, feathers or frocks, you’re still the same inside. And, if a mammoth turned up in your garden today, you’d know exactly what to do with it, for you’ve been practising for millennia.
Who’s Counselling Who?Real men do cry and it takes the strongest of men to ask for help. Choosing to open up requires strength and courage; choosing who to open up to requires care and discernment. As you know, pills, supplements, medicines, machines, and bodily manipulations provide little (if any) healing. Some of these things cleverly disguise pain for a while, giving the impression of health and some give good temporary relief. True healing only really comes about when a person finds their own source of pain, their reason for it and their gateway through it. This self-discovery process can be aided by relationships, divorce, promotions, redundancies, friends, books, accidents, meditation and all manner of good and bad, big and small experiences. Sometimes (just sometimes) they involve counselling. Counselling has become the “in” thing to do and there are several reasons: One reason is that people may have a personal problem they can’t resolve or recognize and they will see it reflected in everyone else. Because it is their pain “out there’, it is vital for them that it be healed. Also, other people rather fancy the idea of being the person we all come to for advice and wise counsel - dispensing of advice is a big-money industry. This is only possible in a society where people feel disempowered and feel they need their answers from others. An advice-dispensing counsellor will only exacerbate that feeling of powerlessness. The counsellor will, of course, feel empowered! Sometimes (just sometimes) people are incredibly good counsellors and are drawn to it by their natural abilities. Most of these people need no training but must endure a course for our certificate-obsessed society. There are 3 types of counsellors:
And not all counsellors have “Counsellor” tattooed across their forehead - they can appear before you as massage therapists, good friends, doctors, lawyers, parents and sometimes (just sometimes) counsellors. So how do you decide who to open your heart to? There are no hard and fast rules but here are some ideas to consider: How do you feel? Good/excellent counsellors will not be good/excellent for everyone - we all relate differently to others. Listen to your own inner feelings of rightness about the counsellor - do you feel safe, comfortable, listened to and understood? It is especially hard to know your true feelings when feeling vulnerable, but if you consciously listen to your gut and/or heart, you will hear the whisperings of your wise self. If it says, “Don’t stay” or “Don’t open up”, then don’t. It may be that the counsellor is good but just not right for you. A competent counsellor will understand this. An incompetent one won’t and may resort to persuasion, self-pity or anger. Their reaction, in itself, will tell you much. Whether they’re incompetent or just “not you’, move on and don’t punish yourself more - take great care of your fragile self at this time. You deserve the best. How do you feel after? If you leave a counsellor feeling worse than before you started, think hard before going back. The counselling process can sometimes take a long time and “full recovery” is likely to take more than one session. Also, the process with a good counsellor may tap into difficult areas of your life you had forgotten about and sadness, anger and other “negative” feelings may arise. However, the counselling process is also one of empowering you to understand and heal yourself and if you don’t walk out feeling a little more aware and empowered, then you’ve been there to help the counsellor’s own healing, not vice versa. The know-it-all: If your counsellor says things like: “I know exactly how you feel”, “I know just what you’re going through”, “We’ve all been through that one”, “That’s just like the time when I …” or “What you need to do is …” you know your counsellor is both a liar and a non-listener. Nobody walks in your moccasins, sees with your eyes, lives in your body, has your experiences, beliefs, expectations and dreams. Nobody but you knows how you feel - you are unique. You know that when the above things are said that your counsellor doesn’t know how you feel and you also know that they’re not listening to you, but simply to their own feelings and experiences, through your words. That is very disempowering. A good counsellor may share a little of themselves but for most (or all) of the time will leave their own “stuff’ aside - they’re there 100% for you and you must feel that commitment from them. The fixer: This is, in general, a male trait, but it’s not confined to men. Listening is the hardest of things to do and to actually hear what is being said takes a very, very good counsellor. The temptation to give advice and fix a friend’s/patient’s/client’s problems is strong (and laudable) but a good counsellor will simply listen … and listen … and listen … and prompt your own self-discovery and self-healing. Nobody else walks in your moccasins and nobody knows better than you what is right for you. A counsellor may provide ideas, if asked, but they will leave their opinions and prejudices out, giving you space to find your own answers. And that self-discovery process is always more profound, empowering and permanent than the one imposed from others. An incompetent counsellor can do more harm than good and can send you back down the healing path a very long way. There are many excellent counsellors around so don’t compromise with those you don’t feel right about - you deserve the best. Now that you’ve read this article, I know exactly what you’re feeling and what you need to do now is …!
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